Saturday, November 27, 2010

WARNING! The words you are about to read..

~ We must accept finite disappointment,
but we must never lose infinite hope. ~
Dr Martin Luther King Jr.

So here we are only four days into a new chance for Johnny to do things differently. To get his life back on track. To accept the miracle that God has given him. Only four days, and right now he is standing on my front porch DRUNK! He has already drank two days of the four he has been granted. On top of all that, he has been driving drunk and hunting in the woods drunk. Drunk!

I am so tired of holding my tongue. I am so tired of watching my sister fight a battle that she lost years ago. I am so tired of trying to keep Frank from knowing the truth of how bad the drinking has been lately that I am compromising my own marriage. Why? Am I so desperate to keep Sissie here with me that I am willing to be a part of the problem? How do I kick my own sister out? I can't! She literally has nothing in this world. They have no home to call their own. They have a truck that is barely running. She has no clothes to speak of . She has nothing! She doesn't even have a dime to her name! But by golly! Every time he wants a beer, he gets it, Every time he needs gas he manages to get it. He makes sure his needs are met. And I don't want to hear how he is just upset because he can't work or how she treats him like a child or any other excuse he has had lately. He hasn't been on disability or out of work all that long. What about all the years he worked and still drank. There are a million and one reasons, excuses, and answers to why he would want to drink. But there is only one reason to not drink. That is to live. There are no other ifs, ands, or buts about it.

He has literally thrown everything back into the face of God. I don't believe I have ever been so angry in my life. And though you may not think that I have any rights to be angry about anything he does, I do have a right to protect my sister. She deserves better. That's right, She deserves better. And I know that he can do better. He has done it before. He has given 32 years of his life to the beer. When does he start giving his life to Sissie. He has been offered help. Lots of help. He has refused it everytime. So he chooses drinking over Sissie, Life, God, and everything good life can offer him.

So in the end here, should we keep trying knowing he doesn't want help or care about anything but where the next beer is coming from? No I don't want to keep trying, but the sister part of me says I must. Like Dr. King says, we must never lose infinite hope while at the same time accepting finite disappointment, but I say can't enough disappointments negate any hope at all?

Right now, he is the bedroom with Sissie, served dinner first so he will go on to bed, keeping her in there with him honestly believing that we don't know that he has been drinking and schmoozing and loving up on her trying to keep her from being mad at him. It's a vicious cycle. He will sleep for a few hours, and by morning he will once again be in his recliner, watching TV acting as though nothing happened. By mid-afternoon the excuses to leave the house will begin and by evening... Well "second verse, same as the first".

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